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Writer's pictureDee Dickens

Tips On Getting To Fuck Me

I don't know if it is the warm days, the balmy nights or the fact that we're getting a wet room, but the sap is rising and we're on the hunt for thirds for threesomes.


Well, I say 'we' but we all know that women do the bulk of the work.


So I have been trawling the internet for likely candidates. I want to be railed and spitroasted (Which it says on my profile. Pay attention to this. It will become relevant later), and SH wants to cum on two women's faces while they kiss, which works for me because, sex with women is hot. We are considering playing with couples too because I want to test my boundaries where it comes to hard and soft swapping. But I never play with men without SH there. I am very clear about that. I have everything I want in one man, the only reason I ever entertain the idea of another man is because I like having a cock in my cunt and one in my arse. And I like to be covered in lots of cum. And play with it. And be called a Dirty Girl. Even though as a Non Binary person. I am not a girl. I am very, very dirty though.


I will play solo with women, and though he doesn't, SH has full permission to play solo with other men. but, there are some things we only do together.


So I joined some sites, Feeld being the main one, and that is ok. Apparently 497 humans like me. I laugh when I see the word like. In this context it means wants to fuck. So on this app alone, 497 people want to fuck me. I am assuming this number won't go down much as I swipe, as in most cases, I do not want to fuck them back. Not even with someone elses.


So I joined Hinge. Which you pretty much have to be unhinged to do. I am chatting to one lovely guy who is an Autistic Personal Trainer with ADHD. We are having a really good laugh, but it is taking a long time to set things up as object impermanence applies to threesomes too. Luckily, we both know our neurotypes and are happy to remind the other that we haven't answered a question for a while. Us neurodivergents do have social skills, just not the seemingly arbitrary ones that neurotypicals have to navigate.


And then I joined Fabswingers. Now I like this one. It is free to read your messages for a start, and it is generally easy to navigate. You don't get a GET FUCKING PREMIUM YOU TIGHT ASS MOTHER FUCKER! screen pop up every time you click on anything and the (mostly, let's face it) guys are in the main, quite respectful. However, there are some who need a bit of finessing, so this is for them.


Don't: Send a dick pic as your first message. Women, are generally not size queens, you are thinking about men who are obsessed with penis size, easy mistake; and you could have the biggest and most beautiful cock in the world, I am not going near it if I see it before I have even said hello. It isn't bloody Grindr. In fact, don't send a dick pic at all unless you have to consent to do so. "But it is hard to get consent!" No it isn't, you unimaginative pond trolley. But being as this is an educational post, here you go.


"You want to see what I am going to fuck you with?"

And if she says not yet, then don't fucking send it. She will let you know if she wants to see it. She might say,

"So, big man, talking the talk, show me what you are working with."


I had a guy on Fab who sent me a dick pick so I told him he'd fucked up. He begged me for another chance. So I made him promise never to send another woman a dick pic without consent again. He agreed.


See? Easy. As will I be if you get it right.


Dont: Assume that if the profile belongs to a couple, that it is the man you are talking to. Especially if the profile picture is a woman. Especially if the person you are talking to has the username Deevastater. Especially if all the photos are of the woman and only one has hubby in it. If your first message is "Your wife is hot af" I will reply, well, you were already talking to her.


Do: say something along the lines of

"Ah, I see you have a couple's profile. Am I talking to the man or the woman?"

Then you can tell me I am hot as fuck. I kinda like that.


Do: Acknowledge that my time is not yours. When I arrived on Fab, within 20 minutes, I had over 200 messages. Sending me "??" as a follow up like I am obligated to speak to a profile with a rather nasty looking penis as the profile pic is going to get you roundly ignored. As if I am obligated to speak to any of you at all. Try doing what a certain guy did and message,

"Hi, you are going to be inundated with messages, I hope once you have cleared some out that I will be one of the lucky ones you talk to."

It worked. He is.


Do: read the profile before you message.


Don't: Ask if I play by myself. I don't. And do not say "That's a shame." when I tell you no. What seems a shame for you is a lucky escape for me you boundary pushing pavement condom.


Dont: Ask what I am looking for. I could not have been more clear.


Do: Respect boundaries. All of my boundaries are hard ones. I will discuss soft boundaries and things like CNC if and when I get VERY comfortable with you.


Don't: Try and edge past my boundaries. If you do this online, I cannot trust you not to do so if we meet and if I don't trust you, you are not getting anywhere near me.


Don't: Try and come the big un with me. If your first message is "Your tits need my cum", then my response is likely to be "Your ass needs to fuck off."


Don't: The reverse is true also, don't undersell yourself. If you send a face pic with "I know I am not good looking, or most people's cup of tea", it is likely that it is a no. I want someone who will grab me by the hair and ram his cock down my throat, not someone who I have to encourage as if he is a puppy looking for the right place to pee.


The last for now, (will update when we have met) is to the men in a couple.


If, we are meeting you because you like to watch women fuck your wife, do not denigrate her to being just a sex object. There are ways to treat your wife as a sex object while elevating her. Do that. When I ask what you both do, do NOT say, I am a builder and she fucks very well, because, though there may be some sort of Dom/Sub dynamic going on, unless you tell me that, I am going to think you are an asshole.


When I ask her if she likes being edged and YOU reply "She doesn't know what that means" it tells me you are selfish in bed. When she tells me that she has never been rimmed, done with a strap or scissored and that it "has just been a bit of pussy licking" so far, it makes me feel really sorry for her.


Because I don't have to fuck you, I will still have you over, but I am going to give her the time of her life. Seriously men in couples, treat your women well or I will send them home with a shaved head and an I LOVE PUSSY tattoo on her neck. I can do it too. Seems I already know my way round her body better than you do.


So once more unto the breach I venture dear friends. Wish me luck, and stay tuned for updates.










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