Warning, ahead there be spoilers for Saltburn and The Talented Mr Ripley.
I watched Amazon’s much lauded new offering Saltburn because so many of my friends were “interested in what you think”. I am still not sure if that is because I am a writer, a sex blogger or if my general mental state is “dark is it? Well, dark is where I live mate, bring it on, but I can’t guarantee I won’t find it really funny.”
Others who had seen it were making reference to the excellent writing, and a goodly amount of it was very clever. The posh boy at Oxford saying that he had been “chirpsing that girl all night! I at least wanted a handjob” was white privilege appropriating road man linguistics in a way that made me shout BRAVO! Also, Elspeth saying she couldn’t be the woman referenced in Common People as she barely knew Jarvis and “she came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge? I have never wanted to learn anything in my life!” made me roar laughing. In fact, Elspeth had some of the best lines. "I was a lesbian for a while you know. Was all a bit wet for me in the end. Men are just so lovely and dry."
The soundtrack was banging. Was brilliant to hear Tomcraft’s Loneliness again after all this time. I know that Murder on the Dancefloor is the one that has stayed in the collective conscious for reasons of a cracking arse and a good looking penis, but The Sound of the Underground was always a choon.
All in all, it wasn’t a bad film, but we’d already seen The Talented Mr Ripley in 1999 and the South of France was at least a pretty location to look at. It is still the only film I rate that has Jude Law in it.
But I get it. I was the poor kid at boarding school, and they could smell it on me. However, my response was not to kill them all, but to leave as soon as I could. It made me laugh though when Oliver Quick announced that what he had been doing was work. Like killing them all and inheriting everything through ridiculous property laws made him working class. Very darkly funny. The last few deaths felt a bit rushed to be honest like he had some death KPI to meet and was in danger of having to work unpaid overtime to catch up.
But that isn’t what you wanted me to talk about, was it? Go on, admit it. You want me to talk about the ‘shocking’ bits. It has an R rating because of Graphic Nudity, Drug Use, Disturbing Violent Content, Language Throughout, Strong Sexual Content. And let’s be honest, you wouldn’t want to show the kids this, or watch it with your granny (mainly coz granny wasn’t born old), but the bits that I am guessing got it the shocking moniker are the bits the normies don’t like to think about.
Oliver watching Felix fuck through a window.
This was a bit creepy as it wasn’t consensual and there have long been a conversation that peeping toms are perverts, but… Watching, especially where it comes to being cuckolded is for some people, hot. And if you think you could not be turned on watching, you are banned from porn forever. But yeah people. Get consent first. Felix might have left the curtains open because he knew he could be watched. Sexuality is a wonderful complex thing. Shock factor score – 2/10
Oliver and Venetia.
When Venetia said it was the wrong time of the month and Oliver was like “and?” Not going to lie, it was HOTTTTT. She liked being dominated and being instructed like that made me all kinds of giddy. I am a dominant person in real life and a definite top with women, but to have someone who saw me that clearly? Fuck. Don’t even get me started on him giving her a croissant and holding eye contact while she ate it. Plus, I don’t see menstrual blood as anything more icky as sweat so to be fucked and end up covered in it? HOTTTTT. Shock factor score - 0/10
Oliver and Farleigh
Hot because Oliver was so in control and Farleigh wanted it so badly. That spit on the hand? OMG. Shock factor score – 0/10
Oliver and the bathtub
Okay. I’m going to admit, this was a bit shocking, but no more shocking than men buying bathwater from an Instagram influencer. Oliver tonguing the bathplug for a taste of Felix, well, that was just... I mean... MATE. That TONGUE. Showed that he would be great at cunnilingus/rimming and I am here for it. Maybe I just hang around with people who are less judgemental about sex than the general population, but I was a hair’s breadth from NEW KINK UNLOCKED with this. Shock factor score – 4/10 but only because it was a new one to me.
Oliver and the grave
I laughed all the way through this. Like roared laughing. That he laid on the grave of his love and sobbed was quite drama queen, but when he took his shirt off he was Empress of Drama Land. Then, because of all of the things you’d seen him do before, you were like, “he wouldn’t, would he? They wouldn’t have him do that would they? Yep, here he goes, cock in the grave dirt. CRACKING arse on your man though. Is he still fucking the grave while crying? Yep, he’s cry fucking.” Shock factor score -1/10. It would have been more shocking if he hadn’t fucked Felix’s grave.
Oliver and the sex swing
The most shocking thing about this is that he used it to sit on and SMOKE INDOORS. Shock factor score – 1/10. Smoking is bad for you.
So where does this leave us? Take away the shock factors that people who aren’t used to urophillia/grave fucking and the like feel and what do we have?
A good film, but an ultimately forgettable one. It felt like a The Talented Mr Ripley reboot. It entertained for the requisite 2 hours and 7 minutes, great for a cloudy and wet Sunday afternoon but honestly, I won’t be rushing to see it again and I won’t be recommending it unless you want to see yer man’s arse and penis, which to be fair, are CRACKING. If anyone needs me, I will be watching this gif of the plug hole bit though... for reasons... I might be some time.