top of page
Writer's pictureDee Dickens

How to get a phone sex job

So, my health is really shit at the moment, but I don't want to leave you wonderful sexy people with no content, so I have decided that when I really can't think because of the pain I will give you a chapter from the book that started it all. Reminder that you can buy said book by pressing this button (FNAR). And maybe you can buy one for a friend too. Part of the mission of Duct Tape and Daddy Issues is to get people talking about sex to dispel myths and destroy taboos.



So here, for your sexy delectation is the very first chapter.


Beginnings


So how does one get into phone sex work?


One goes online of course. Everything is on the internet these days. Want a jar of pickled eggs? Internet. Want cheese delivered at 3am? Internet. Want to hear a woman tell you yours is the biggest… well, you get the idea. There are various companies in the UK that do this work, though some pay more than others, and some insist on you using a landline rather than a mobile. This was quite impractical for me as I was sharing a house at the time. It is one thing for me to sit and work in the kitchen so no one can hear me, it is quite another to have the phone ringing into the wee hours. I was astounded by the sheer amount of them. I had assumed that in the age of free internet porn the phone sex industry would be on its arse but no. Let’s face it, there isn’t much you can’t see from vanilla missionary to Brazilian fart porn and that costs nothing, so I couldn’t understand how the business model of paying to talk to a stranger on the phone could still raise any revenue, but thanks to the wonderful women at Babe Station, the booby jigglers who wave their phones seductively at the camera, and sell you the illusion of actually calling them, I can log on any week night and speak to a plethora of horny men who want to fulfil a fantasy of actually making a woman cum. I have nothing but awe for those women by the way; I am not sure I could be on screen for that long, jiggling and waving without looking thoroughly bored. Fair play to them, in the small hours I sometimes found myself musing on how many did drama at school.


I wondered how hard it could be to do the phone equivalent, at least I wouldn’t have to jiggle my boobs, but I had the looking bored bit down pat.


I discovered that there is a process to go through before you start work, you don’t just jump on the phone and start oohing and ahhing. You fill in the application, then someone from the office rings you to discuss the job. I suppose it is on the phone so they can check you don’t sound like Elmer Fudd, for while I am sure that there is someone out there wanking away at him talking about Shooting Wabbits, that would be quite a niche fetish to have, most people not finding him sexy. Conversation had; they arrange training which you do on the phone. This, to my eternal disappointment, does not mean learning how to talk dirty or fake an orgasm. That would be much fun. Just imagine.


“No Maureen, remember we said ‘ooh’ then ‘ahh’ and then ‘all over my face big boy’. It makes no sense otherwise. Yes, well done Alexandra, that is exactly the wailing we were going for. Joanne, JOANNE, you’ll kill them off if you keep going like that.”


To be fair, with talking dirty, you either have it or you don’t. I wasn’t sure I would, but it turned out I was a natural, and most of us are already more au fait with the sounding more excited than we actually are than we would actually like. I know I am spilling secrets here and I am sure that you think you are all that and a packet of chips, but seriously, do you think that there is a woman in the world who hasn’t faked it? Yes, really.


I can hear the hackles raising from here.

“Not my woman” I hear you cry.


Yes, your woman too. I guarantee you that she has made the appropriate noises just to get you to finish. Or to encourage you to think that you are doing a good job on a day where she can’t be arsed and just wants to get on with cooking tea/watching Corrie/reading a book. Or so she can call you a cab without seeming rude (though remind me to tell you about Dean from Swindon and the time I called a taxi for him during, interrupting him to ask where he lived; he kept going, bless his heart) and sort herself out properly. And we need to stop that shit you know? Never mind fake moaning, pull him close and whisper ‘git gud’ in his ear.


Women, if a man is not making rainbows shoot out of your vag while a chorus of unicorns sing and sprinkle glitter over you, tell him. If he matters, he won’t mind and will want to do better. If he minds, then he doesn’t matter, and you need to find a new one. Seriously. This may be news to some but actually wanting your sexual partner to fulfil you sexually is one of the reasons bras got burned. The bar is low, I get that, but an orgasm, or two, is the least you should expect. You’re welcome.


What you learn about on the training are the different phone lines that you will be expected to work on and the rules, the dos and don’ts of what you will be expected to talk about.


Firstly, there is clean chat. On this line you can be flirty but not dirty. If they want hardcore chat, then there is an option for that. No under 18’s even on this line. It is for chatting about stuff, not muff. I have only ever taken a single call on this line, and he only ended up on it by accident. It was hilarious, I was being clean and telling him about my day, how I took the dog to the vet and went and got my hair and nails done. I could hear his confusion. You see, we’re not supposed to tell them they are on the clean line, something about regulations apparently, but eventually his confusion and good manners were overtaken by his horn, and he asked, ‘don’t you want to hear about my hardon?’. Tells you something about the usual clientele.


Then there is the Australian clean chat, which I thought at first meant I had to pretend to be Australian, and to be honest, I was down with that. I had images of myself breathily telling our Antipodean cousins to throw another shrimp on the barbie, but it wasn’t to be. The calls come in from Australia, which can be weird at three in the morning when they tell you they are just on their lunch break. Then there is the hardcore line, on which I get most calls, and make up the biggest amount of this book. The dominatrix line is self-explanatory really but the piece de resistance is the granny line. I get a lot of calls on the granny line. You haven’t lived until you have heard a man grunt when you tell him you are 72.


You would think that anything goes in the world of the Phone Actress (yes, that is really my job title, take that un-passed drama O’Level) but there are rules.



1. No chatting to anyone you even suspect might be under 18. Even if they give you a correct date of birth on asking, even if they call on a clean chat line (as if), if you think they are underage, you terminate the call.


2. No talking about rape, incest or children. If it isn’t legal then we don’t talk about it. Plus, eww.


And that is it.

Training is finished, you learn how to log on, how to get onto the system etc and then you get an email from the office congratulating you and telling you it is now time to record your introductions.





24 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page