Good morning sexy people! Another day has landed and with it some thoughts that have been mulling around in my head for a while.
I want to make very clear that this post is my own thoughts only. I believe that Polyamory is a valid sexuality, identity, way of life. I do not write this to decry any of it at all. In fact, I would love it if some Polyam people would put me right on anything I get wrong and engage in discussion with me on this subject, as it is one I find fascinating and also one I accept I need to learn about.
I recently came out as Polyamorous. Only to my nearest and dearest, (certainly not my in laws who are only just getting their heads round pronouns) and everyone has been "Yeah, cool." about it. I had been thinking about it as an identity for a long time as I have always been aware that I have the capability to carry on more than one relationship at a time without having to choose.
Is that it though? I can happily date two or more people and not have that emotionally drain me? It seems a bit simple really. Maybe it is. Maybe that is all that polyamory is. When I was little I had two boyfriends and a girlfriend and the adults thought that was cute (I still remember Roger, Gary and Mandy fondly). When I was an adult I had Dave, Simon and Claire and suddenly I was a slag. And to be fair, I was cheating on Dave, Simon and Claire were well aware of the whole situation. But other people who knew, did not have a good opinion of me. Not that I was overly bothered but how does that work?
These days I am married to Sexy Husband (SH) and apart from the threesomes, foursomes and moresomes, I have permission to go on dates with women and he has permission to go on dates with men. We both see our marriage as having absolute priority with each other and if one or the other decided that we no longer wanted to carry on this lifestyle then we could pull the plug. The other would end whatever assignations they had going and we would be enough for each other. Our dating partners are a separate thing from our marriage and though we can talk about them, and we support each other if we get stood up or break up, a throuple is a thing that is not going to happen.
Now, I don't know an awful lot about Polyamory apart from what I have learned on TikTok, but it diagnosed my ADHD so I kind of trust it where it comes to learning about differing
sexualities.
And apparently we're doing it all wrong.
We're not supposed to have a hierarchy of relationships by all accounts, as it is toxic. As is only being able to date our own gender. As is giving and withdrawing of permission.
The thing is though, we are honest with everyone. Or should I say I am. SH doesn't date anyone else and though I remind him that he can, he is happy with me and the extracurricular sex we have together.
I am honest with every woman and enby I talk to. They know where I am at right at the start and if they don't want to get involved then I wish them a full and happy life and we go our own ways. I don't see what is so toxic about that.
I understand the potential for it to be if people are manipulative or dishonest, but we have talked about it at length and it is what we both are happy with.
I have had three of what were called "open" relationships before.
One was fine (so he said) as long as it wasn't a man and it was just for sex, and he could watch. In reality, when I did go away overnight he was a fucking nightmare when I got home. That was toxic as hell.
One said we needed to be totally honest with each other. When I was, he cried and he cheated on me in secret with someone at his birthday party that he said he didn't want me to go to. That whole situation was fucked up and toxic.
One had been seeing men behind my back for the entire 7 years we were together. For the last six months I said I would deal with it if I could go and sleep with women. The first time I did, I also tried being a sub for the first time and loved it. He saw the bruises and asked me where I had got them. When I told him I had a dom girlfriend, he filed for divorce. Hella toxic.
So excuse me if I wonder to myself what is so wrong about an arrangement in my marriage that we are both more than happy with? Maybe I shouldn't call myself Polyam, maybe what I am is just utterly over being told what I should and shouldn't do with my body.
My body, my choice isn't just for abortions.
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