The keen eyed among you will have read my previous post When Fantasy Becomes Reality, and will also know that I am looking for ten men for a gang bang. Well, the good news is, I HAVE THEM! I also have extras because dealing with men is like herding cats. I have already had Number Six go very quiet on me and Number Four get a bit sulky because I didn't want to send him live footage to help him have a wank. And we're only a week into the process.
I chat to them all because that way I give them room to be a dickhead, and then I can drop them in plenty of time, and also, because if they aren't, then when I do meet them, I'll be relaxed in their company, and a relaxed me is far more likely to be able to have three cocks in her than a stressed out version. I'm honest with them all about what I want, what I don't want, and about how honest and straightforward communication is key. We also discuss things like why Gilmore Girls is better comfort tv than Lucifer and why it is perfectly fine to have gravy on chips. I have a really good laugh with some of them, and one gets a daily dad joke.
As an aside, because fuck knows they don't deserve a whole post, on the subject of honesty, if you spend two weeks talking to a couple, and arrange a time and date to meet them with a view to some dirty fun, if you get too nervous to go through with it on the way, should you:
A - send them a message saying that you are really sorry to let them down, but you are far too anxious to go through with it tonight.
B - meet them for a drink, and tell them face to face that you want to get to know them a bit better first.
C - make up an excuse such as family emergency/felt sick/got a puncture.
D - leave them sitting there for over an hour while you say you are on the way, then message later to say that you didn't feel they were being honest about the extent of their impairments (having been told about the fibro and possible ME) because you didn't know that one of them was a wheelchair user, double down on that when challenged, make one of the couple feel shittier about being disabled than they have for a long time, then, in the morning, send a grovelling apology with the truth and say that your partner was really cross at you for not 'crossing the line' and say that you could make tonight if they were up for it?
Reader, we were not up for it. Aside from her partner being a giant red flag in his response to her anxiety, I don't fuck people who make me feel shitty.
Back to the matter in hand... FNAR
I have my ten and a few extra. I went through 700 likes on Bumble to pick them and many of them ruled themselves out early doors. Not by sending unsolicited dick pics, I didn't get a single one,(probably because I put No Dick Pics on my profile twice) but by being really, just ewww. Once I get the ick, I cannot be rid of it, and much like I don't fuck people who make me feel shitty, I don't fuck people who give me the ick. So, to the guy whose first message was "gag on my cock", I shan't be doing that anytime soon. To the guy who opened with "hubby not doing it for you then?" stop watching Real Housewives and learn to talk to real women. To the guy who infodumped on me about his favourite tv programme, I loved it. I always love an infodump, but then you got too distracted to talk about sex. If you didn't get picked for bootcamp to be part of my team, The F Team as it were, it might have been because either you or your profile fell into one of these categories.
Smile love, it might not happen/you look prettier when you smile.
Men, would it kill you to try and look friendly, and not like you are furious at having your picture taken. You don't look brooding, you look like a serial killer. So many of you with pictures saying you are looking for your soul mate, while your eyes are saying she's in the boot of your car.
Which one are you?
If you have all group photos on your profile, it becomes like a puzzle to work out who you are and I have no time for 'my first is in goblin, but not in gimlet' type bullshit. This also goes for if your first picture is with your good looking friend, then you pop up, having got my hopes up. Though it is the vibe that I go off more than looks, if I feel deceived then I am not having it. Get me your mate's number and fuck off.
You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why.
Because it looks like you lost your straw and didn't realise. It isn't a good look. Makes me feel a bit queasy. Probably for reasons best left to my therapist to help me uncover.
From the group who brought you Women Laughing at Salad, men scowling at their lunch.
Why? What did that pizza ever do to you?
Pictures with kids in.
Ew. If you need me to explain why, you are not the one for me.
The bio balls up.
These are real examples of things I have read this past week that made me say hell no. The good, the bad and the incredibly cheesy.
"I'm a very easy going guy and can make you laugh your lungs out."
I like my lungs where they are thanks buddy. Your process sounds both terrifying and dangerous. I'm too autistic for this. I can't help but wonder if you have a lab where I am on an X cross being tickled until I am scream laughing and my lungs are making their inevitable way up my trachea.
"Idk why I am here. Perhaps chasing the peace in chaos. :)"
It's the smiley face at the end that does it for me. Do any of us really know why we are here? :,)
"I would take a nerf bullet for you"
I would take a blue pill to forget you.
"Scottish lad working down south where's the pootang at"
Running the fuck away from you. Besides, I think you meant poontang. Pootang is probably something else entirely. Something rather unsavoury. And while I am not kink shaming, it isn't for me.
"i definitely will not bend or break your heart. i cannot say the same for your back"
No, well I can definitely say you will not be breaking my back.
"Take a step toward me, and I'll run to you."
You run towards me and I am calling the police.
And my absolute favourite:
"Give me a chance that's all I ask."
NO.
If the animal you are taking a picture with is actively trying to get away, I'm going to take its word for it and pass. And no fish. Please no fish. Honestly, I get that you are showing you are a hunter, but all I can think of is descaling, and guts, and the cold, dead look in the eyes. And that is before I even get to the fish.
It's a dirty business, meeting guys online for a monster sexy blow out, but once you have them, talk to them. Turns out they like it when you talk to them. And be honest. When the inevitable "what are you looking for on here?" question comes, I have found that replying "10 men for a blow/gang bang with bukkake finish" has separated the interested from the run away screaming quite well.
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